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Egghead (or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone) - Bo Burnham - Ebook download as PDF File .pdf), Text File .txt) or read book online. /. Egghead: Or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone - Ebook written by Bo Burnham. Read this book using Google Play Books app on your PC, android, iOS devices. Bo Burnham - Egghead- or, You Cant Survive on Ideas Alone (epub) - dokument [*.epub] Begin Reading Copyright Page In accordance with the U.S. Copyright.
I attempt to dance and become a tornado of elbow. Advice If the poem you're writing is silly and dumb, make sure that it rhymes at the end. Can I Have a Word? Can I have a word, please?
It can be any word. Just give me a word. We can share all the rest. Just let me have one. It can be anything. I'd take canteen or avid. I'd even settle for timely. But you can't use my word, whatever it is, without asking. Because it's my word. And I'll almost always let you use it when you ask. Unless, for example, my word is wonderful and you want to use it to describe a movie I haven't seen yet or a movie I saw already and didn't care for. I really want everything. That's my first choice.
Flabbergasted is a close second. Fear The first was acro-claustro-homo-arachnophobic, terrified of being trapped in a very small, very high-up place with a bunch of gay spiders.
The second was avio-coulro-glosso-metrophobic, terrified of being forced to read poetry to the clown public on an airplane. The third was octo-oneirogmo-kathiso-lutraphobic, terrified of having eight consecutive wet dreams whilst sitting on a pile of otters. The fourth was afraid of snakes.
What a pussy!
Flower Sex Flower sex! Flower sex! Flex those sexy flower pecs. Good old April shower sex that lasts for half an hour sex. Flower power her! Devour her! Don't cower, sir! Put the petal to the medal and powerfully deflower her! Angel The snow lay gently upon the ground. The poo lay gently upon the snow. The boy lay gently upon the poo. And the boy made a snow angel.
An angel with a white body made from heaven's ashes and a brown heart made from a dog's gastrointestinal tract. Your Mom If I had a million dollars, I would pay your mother to have sex with me. Afterward, I would probably invest the remaining nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety dollars.
Toast I'd like to propose a toast: The Letter I wrote you a letter, and then another letter, and another, and another, until I wrote you a word. So I wrote you a word, and then another word, and another, and another, until I wrote you a sentence. So I wrote you a sentence, and then another sentence, and another, and another, until I wrote you a letter. I hope it finds you as I found you. Yours truly, Yours, truly. Us I'll love you until I'm dead on the outside.
I'll give you every one of my mortal seconds. I'll never leave your side. I'll die holding your hand. But after that, I want some "me time.
I'll do the nooks. No way I left my keys in some fucking cranny. Baby Turtles Eight baby turtles scurry to shore. Wait, seven-now six-now five-now four! Two more gone, two left in the race, both of them sprinting and hoping to place. The first gets second, the second gets third, and first place goes to the now well-fed bird. Cup of Joe There's nothing like a cup of joe, when the morning's grey and grim and slow, when the streets collide with the world outside, when litter lies where lilies grow.
Just drink that smoking cup of black and feel your feelings surging back. Plus, spill a drop and a coffee shop will sprout up from a sidewalk crack! Sandy Claws Aw, it's plump, old dandy Sandy Claws.
It's fuckin' Daddy Christmas. How's it hanging, Sandy Claws? I'm sure Miss Kringle missed us. I love you, you big dumb sack of shit.
Come over whenever, I got the fireplace lit. I'm fuckin' with you! Nine to Five Grooming my cuticles in an un-roomy cubicle. The phone rings, duty calls. Better sell those pharmaceuticals. Boooop I will have sex with you if you ask politely. Or ask. Or if you politely consent to it. Or consent to it. I would like to have sex with you. Call me back. Pumpkin Someone carved a face in that pumpkin, and now it's perched on a stoop, grinning with the same sinister grin the carver must have had when he carved it.
And everything I recognize as expressive the triangular eyes, that big toothy smile is marked by a lack of pumpkin.
A red face of dead space. And now I'm seeing just the opposite. I see two spots where the eyes should be, an open wound where the mouth once sat, and a fire within, baking the insides. Disembodied Heads Severed heads get all the attention. But what about the severed bodies? What about that poor ol' disembodied head's poor ol' disemheaded body?
The heads roll around moping all day. The bodies work in the mines. Without a union! It's a no-brainer for the no brainers. Give 'em some respect. They harvest our coal, for Christ's sake!
Benches Old men love to sit on benches. They do! All day. If you see an empty bench, look around. I guarantee that you will not see any old men.
Old men always sit on benches. And they always have. Back in the day, baby old men, with their baby walking sticks and baby dentures, would sit on tiny baby benches. And as they grew, from baby old men puttering around dragging baby oxygen tanks into grown-up old men puttering around dragging oxygen tanks, the benches grew too. Sometimes, two old men will sit on a bench together.
And that's fine. Because it's not a throne. It's a bench. And it's for old men. Count of Six I'll give you till the count of six. Now run! Go screw! Let me be! There's the door!
While I'm still alive! Please stay, I love you. The Commercial Coupons! The world was much crueler an hour ago. Look at your little bunny ears. Look at your adorable whiskers. Do elephants have little bunny ears? Do they have adorable whiskers? There are rules, Alfred. And you want to stomp all over them. Get over yourself. Something about a cat and then the word pussy being used ambiguously. I could tell a sad story to get you crying.
Like how I had a single mother who started selling handmade yo-yos to support her only child. What are you in the mood for? Like a Now run! Go screw! Let me be! Please stay, I love you. A complete and perfect nihilist. Life has no meaning. No point. Oh, and that accidental rhyme just then meant nothing. Why are you color-coding things? For more, check out my blog. Who is this they? They seem pretty smug.
They seem to think they know shit. Fuck them. No matter our height or girth or scent, we all hate Donald because Donald is a fucking dick. All of her heroes were finally nearer. Her whole room looked perfect—except for the mirror. So be patient, be patient.
Makes me realize just how insignificant people are and just how godlike I am. It had ups and downs and I sat real close to her. It had a real slow climb and a real quick drop. I put up my hands and she held on tight. Not a second of boredom on our rickety flight. Not particularly warm, either. But they had that same strange blend of familiar and miraculous— and they were always nice to look at after a long day of doing things.
Two quotes in particular from the song always get to me: The world's funny! I'm a sociopath! I'm an site Affiliate. If you're interested in downloading Egghead , just click on the image below to go through my link.
I'll make a small commission! download a Coffee for nat bookspoils with Ko-fi. View all 4 comments. Feb 25, Whitney Atkinson rated it really liked it Shelves: I am in love with Bo Burnham. His show "what.
As a human being, I admire him so, so, so much, not just for his jokes, but for his painfully accurate social commentary. I've had my eye on this book for a long, long time and finally found it on bookoutlet score! I gotta say, he gave away the best ones during his comedy show, and the rest weren't as good so I felt a little cheated. But regardless, " I am in love with Bo Burnham.
View all 7 comments. Feb 04, Clumsy Storyteller rated it really liked it Shelves: View all 9 comments. Jun 01, Melki rated it liked it Shelves: My oldest son asked for this for his birthday. Anytime either kid asks for a book, I don't care if it's The Colossal Treasury of Porn , I'm probably going to download the thing because I'm so thrilled that he's asking for a book. See Naked Girls Smoking Weed: Best of Girls. This book looks and feels like Where the Sidewalk Ends for grown-ups or those who refuse to grow up.
Each page contains a poem accompanied by a drawing, though that's pretty much where the similarity ends. I got very few chu My oldest son asked for this for his birthday. I got very few chuckles out of this one, though I suspect Burnham's fans will love it. My favorite? Your Mom If I had a million dollars, I would pay your mother to have sex with me. Afterward, I would probably invest the remaining nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety dollars.
View all 3 comments. Oct 11, Raeleen Lemay rated it really liked it. Let me just say something here. He is my spirit animal. If you don't know who he is, look him up on YouTube, Vine, even Netflix. His comedy show and this book are filled with his quick wit and kind heart. Bo has an amazing abilit Let me just say something here. Bo has an amazing ability to make you expect a certain outcome for something, but then change it completely on its head and surprise you.
His comedic style is very sporadic and wild, and I highly recommend you check him out. Also, the poem I Fuck Sluts is in here and it's just as good written down as when Bo recites it. Bo's comedy special "what. Amazing and Deep But also lighthearted Bo burnham's a genius Even when he farted. View 2 comments. Jan 15, Zainab rated it it was ok.
I like Bo Burnham but this was just awful. Jan 03, Roxanne rated it it was amazing Shelves: First read of and it was majestic.
If you like Bo you won't be disappointed, start reading it now. If you don't know who he is and you're a fan of macabre art Mar 03, Alan rated it really liked it Recommends it for: Poets who don't know it. I think that almost every line of Egghead 's like Shel Silverstein.
Or maybe I should say I mean The drawings are like Silverstein. But whether I say -stine or -steen, I do think Burnham's pretty keen. Though be advised that just like Shel , A lot of Egghead 's raw as hell. Nov 22, Lucas rated it it was ok. I am utterly and completely torn on how to review this, so I'm going to do something I don't typically do and form a pros and cons list.
I don't know about anyone else, but that's just something I fancy. Honestly, when the poems are on po I am utterly and completely torn on how to review this, so I'm going to do something I don't typically do and form a pros and cons list. Honestly, when the poems are on point, they are seriously on point. That, alone, despite the rest of the review and the rating I settled on, made me want to give this book five stars. There's nothing wrong with the art enhancing the quality of the work, but I don't care for the fact that, without the picture, the poem couldn't stand on its own.
And that's not completely unexpected because it is, in fact, a comedian who wrote it, but I'm not really sure it should be labeled as a "poetry" book. Overall, I chose two stars because, while some of the work is gripping, most of it falls short.
Don't get me wrong, I was a fan of Bo Burnham long before he started writing this; I just think, given some of the things he's come up with in the past, this could have been so much better than it was.
That being said, he probably meant it to be exactly the way it is. The way her tight virgin nostrils twitched and spasmed in the moonlight, quivering like two horny monks. The way her curly, almost pubic eyebrows framed her fishy, moistened eyes. Im a face guy. Thats a fact. That is science, if you will. Will you? Pigs are smarter than dogs. I love my dog. I also love eating bacon. So I can stop eating bacon or I can continue playing a quiet and aggressive role in the genocide of a species whose intelligence sits.
Or I can continue eating bacon and admit that my love for my dog is a sham, a hollow and meaningless relationship born of my own insecurities and years of confirmation bias. He likes me because I feed him. Thats it. Fuck him. Bacon is delicious. A Ghost Story Two young boys in corduroys were playing with a ball. Two young boys heard one strange noise, coming from the hall. The boys stood still, well, still until the door swung open wide. And a ghostly chill and a real ghost, Bill, were heaved the heck inside.
The brave boy stood, as the brave boy would,. Were here to hear you, not to fear you. Tell us what you will. The other boy wheezed and sneezed then seized and vomited on the floor. He shook his brain. He felt insane. Nothing was real anymore. Ghosts are real?! Theyre fucking real?!?!? For natures laws were gone because a ghost had just appeared. And on that night of fear and fright, the brave boy had his thrills.
And the other one was fucking done. Lets See What the Robots Think Before we go folding our clothes in a stack, lets see what the robots think. Before we go patting ourselves on the back, lets see what the robots think. Before we start working or dancing again, before we start writing love letters to send, before we start fighting or finding a.
Plate Spinner I want to be a plate spinner, I practice all day long. But I just cant seem to get it right. What am I doing wrong? Ed Ed had a date with a girl that he liked but she called and she canceled the lunch. At the biweekly orgy later that night, Ed pleasured himself by the punch.
Right, Left Right when you left, you left me cold and broken and numb partly because your love warmed me and made me feel whole and made me feel things I hadnt before and partly because. Masturbitosis Im the sexiest eukaryote alive.
My mitochondria are so big and powerful. Look at my fucking Golgi apparatus. I fucking love it. Yeah, thats it, Golgi. Keep pinching off lysosomes for me. I got such a sexy shade of cytoplasm and my fucking vacuoles mmmmmmm!
Dont get me started, oh my fuckkkinnggggmmmmmmmm. Fuck, I can feel it in my nucleus. It feels so fucking good. Oh my god. Im gonna make myself.
Beautiful Youre the most beautiful girl Ive ever seen. And I know that. But I cant rediscover it every fucking day. I cant return to that epiphany every time my alarm clock goes off. Its unnatural.
But what I can do, and do quite naturally, is become jaded and unimpressed by it. I can see your beauty as normal,. I can climb atop its shoulders and travel about, rolling my eyes at sunsets and rainbows, dismissing all the beauty of the world as less than average. And I complain to you about it. And you can deduce your beauty from that. Relax Let your hands relax by your sides.
Let your chin rest gently on your chest. Let each new breath fill you with calm. Let your mind wander away to a faraway place. Let me piss on your expensive shoes.
Let me empty your pockets of any valuables. Let me escape this parking garage as you drift past some meadows or some shit.
Be Patient Be patient, be patient. Rome wasnt built in a day. It wasnt built at all, in fact. Rome self-assembled in reaction to the peoples unwavering patience. So be patient, be patient. A Final Wish Cremate me, please and sprinkle my ashes, pinch by pinch on strippers eyelashes. The Party Only after that drunken late-night congress had dispersed and the music had stopped and the walls had caught their breath and the smug fog of dialogue had condensed on the empty glasses, only then did I notice how unhappy you were.
The strobe light had given me stale, unusable snapshots. Even if I had seen some struggle on you, somewhere,. I would have mistook it for simple social rigmarole as everyones behavior reeked of performance. And only after that night had given into the next day, and I had stood where you had danced so cautiously, and I had imagined you sitting in that chair that still bared my imprint, only then did I realize why you felt that way. Change I dont expect to change your mind with one conversation, only to chip away at it, like a woodpecker on a redwood tree.
Rock Rock on, indie rocker! Rock those bongos! Rock that weird African instrument that you downloadd on that private school field trip. Rock on about that girl who left you because she got tired of struggling to get your.
Rock on about the poetry of the universe, armed with the knowledge you gained by skimming a Wikipedia article on quantum mechanics. Rock on about pain and addiction itchy beards and clove cigarettes, respectively. Rock against the labels.
Rock against the system. Rock against the world. What a wonderful day to be dead. Six feet above me, the worlds gone rotten while Im rottin in a coffin instead. Youll die one day and that day could be any one of the thousands ahead,. Up Above From my window seat, the world looks so tiny, the cities so adorably ordered.
Makes me realize just how insignificant people are and just how godlike I am. Roller Coaster Our love was a roller coaster. It had ups and downs and I sat real close to her. It had a real slow climb and a real quick drop. I screamed faster and she begged it to stop.
I put up my hands and she held on tight. Not a second of boredom on our rickety flight. And when it came to a stop at that first safer place, I said, Lets do it again, and she puked. The Pussy The pussy has become overwhelming. Its tumbling out of every suitcase, whirring beneath every floorboard.
Who thought the pussy could become so cumbersome? It stacks against my front door like fresh snow, presses its lips against the glass of my kitchen window like an inmates wife would do with her regular face lips. Where the world was once empty, it is now pussy as if Im trying to measure the atmospheres volume by means of pussy displacement. Offence They let gays marry and I took offense to that; then my brother got gay-married and I took a fence to that.
Wooden Soldiers I bought a box of wooden soldiers. I bought them from the store. And now a hundred tiny soldiers guard my bedroom floor. So if youre a scary monster-thing who wants to go to war, my bedroom door is open. Im not frightened anymore. Walk with Me Walk with me now if you would or wouldnt mind or would mind not walking someone as I would.
Speak to me now if you must or mustnt be quiet or mustve forgotten something important as I mustve. Stay with me now if you can or cant decide or cant not stay with someone,.
Fixed I gouged my eyes out only to find another much better pair behind them. I Dont Give a Fuck I. Never have, brah. Never will, dude. You upset? Cause I dont give a fuck! I dress like I dont give a fuck.
I read in a magazine that women find that attractive. Its probably true, but I dont give a fuck. People ask me, Whoa man, cool outfit, is it hard not giving a fuck? Its very hard. But its like, fuck it, you know?
I wont start giving a fuck just because its hard to not give a fuck. You may give a fuck but dont you go trying to make me start giving a fuck. Or do. When I die, I wont give a fuck.
People will remember me for that. Theyll probably write books about me and build monuments in my name. But I wont give a fuck. Ill be dead. But even if I was alive, I still wouldnt give a fuck. Id walk past the giant library built in my.
An attractive woman would see all this happen and she would turn to her friend and say See that guy? He doesnt give a fuck. See that library?
Its named after that guy who doesnt give a fuck. Ooooh, hes kinda sexy. Youth vs. Man Hey, look! Its the Youth. The Youth is fighting the Man. How cute. Get him, Youth! Get him! Yikes, that was quick. Youll get him next time! Fishing Its unfortunate that the word for catching fish by piercing their lips with hooks and dragging them onto a boat is called fishing.
To the fish, fishing means something different. To fish is to live, to love, to be. When the more aggressive fish find a lonely swimming human and rip the flesh from its stupid bonesthats called peopling. The Future I reckon dont discredit me due to the elderly start that in the future, in the far future, if all goes well, two gay fathers will disown their son because their son wants to marry his clone. Its unnatural! Its an abomination!
The son and his clone will run away together,. They will hide in scrapyards and motel rooms until the bigotry passes, as it always does. Whole He poked his penis all over her skin, pensively feeling for an easy way in. This man, with his fractal and fragmented soul, finally felt hole and finally felt whole.
I Cant Stand Trees I cant stand trees. Theyre a bit too theatrical. And I reply, No! You limp-limbed lug! You winter leaflet littering bug. With towering branches and cowering. Its a war they want? Then a war Ill wage. Im writing this on paper just to waste. Old Im old and cold and out of time, thirteen years far past my prime. Weary legs from lifes steep climb, I can barely walk let alone think of a fourth word.
Dating Im a gargoyle. And pretty fucking weird looking. Youre an angel. And pretty fucking weird looking, too.
Cyclops The women ran screaming when the Cyclops blinked. If only theyd known hed actually winked. Sea Monkeys Look at those sea monkeys puttering around their bowl. Yesterday, they were a sugar packet and now theyre sea monkeys. What a dumb miracle. Dust into animated dandruff. Ive never found the incomprehensible quite this boring. All that talk about life and I got a cheap magic trick. Knots in the Grass I spend most of my day outside, crouched to the earth, tying knots in the grass.
I spend most of my year traveling, looking for fields or front yards, tying knots in the grass. If you find a knot, you find me, as I am the only thing tying knots in the grass. Her Eyes Her eyes were like fire. They werent red or anything.
Not particularly warm, either.
They didnt glow or appear to glow, whatever that means. But they had that same strange blend of familiar and miraculous and they were always nice to look at after a long day of doing things.
Hobgoblin Did you see what the neighborhood hobgoblin did? On Halloween night, he dressed as a kid! Fuck in the Woods Lets fuck in the woods, sweetheart. Wood to wood, ass to grass, hands clasped, limbs grasped, humping parts while nature sways, licking butts where reindeer graze. Lets toil, uncoiled, in the soil, soiled. Broiled in baby oil tree saps foil. Lets flirt with the earth, with rubber to avert birth and darkness to assert girth,. Like Youre like milk, tasty and versatile.
Youre like a dog, loyal and often mistaken. Youre like New York, large and in America. Youre like my girlfriend, female and actually my girlfriend. Progress I almost forgot about you today. A sizable spill of coffee shot me to my feet, holding up my mochasoaked notebook like an unclaimed child. A dozen eyes found me at oncea security measure meant to bring shame to a klutz breaking his social contract.
Attention for shit living. When the pain receded I stood in place. Bustle Writers like to talk about how things are or were bustling. The market was bustling on a bustling street corner. In a bustling bakery, the muffins bustled in the oven. Dont worry, Rupert, the busll be bustling by in five minutes I mean, I get it.
Bustle is a good word. It makes total sense. Whenever Im in a group of more than three people, all I can hear in my head is bustle, bustle, bustle, bustle. I say it to myself, silently, even when people appear to be trying to start a conversation with me. A cute girl may be right in front of me, looking at my face and mouthing sounds, but all I can think of is bustle, bustle, bustle, bustle.
You There Hey, you there. Yeah, you. Yeah, me? Yeah, you there. Me there? No, you there. Oh, me here? So, me? Hey, you there. Hey what? You well? Yeah, you?
Me what? Me well? No, are. Am I what? Am I well? Yeah, you well? Wait, do I well? No, are you well? Oh, am I well? Forever and an Instant Forever and an instant met up one day, had a short but lovely talk, then each went on its way. Third Person Hes talking in the third person again.
Look at him, talking to himself, about himself, as if hes talking to someone else about someone else. Hes about to speak. You Wait, he cant do that.
He cant address him as you. I am so grateful. Thank you to the teachers who inspired meMrs. Burridge, Mr. Furlong, and many others. And to George Carlin and Shel Silverstein. And Chance. Thank you. Aid, Mr. Smith, and Mrs. Reinholdt, who encouraged me to draw on my homework. And thank you to Bo. He sure is nice for being so tall.
Big love to you all. Chance Bone. Stuck Im stuck on this page and I want to break out. So put me in your brain and walk about! Thank you for downloading this ebook, published by Hachette Digital. To receive special offers, bonus content, and news about our latest ebooks and apps, sign up for our newsletters. Gay Parading Jesus.
I Dont Give a Fuck Youth vs. Copyright by Bo Burnham Drawings copyright by Chance Bone The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. All rights reserved. In accordance with the U. If you would like to use material from the book other than for review purposes , prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions hbgusa.
The Hachette Speakers Bureau provides a wide range of authors for speaking events. To find out more, go to www. The publisher is not responsible for websites or their content that are not owned by the publisher. Library of Congress Control Number: Fear Flower Sex. Flag for inappropriate content. For Later.
Related titles. Never Split the Difference: Hidden Figures: Jump to Page. Search inside document. For you, hopefully. Im glad someone decided to give flowers a go. Get over yourself. So grab your digital cameras you yuppie fucks. Incomparable Youre incomparable like a Shit. Toast Id like to propose a toast: I hope it finds you as I found you. Yours truly, Yours, truly. Please stay, I love you. Fuck Ah, fuck. Classic me.
My Stamen We pollinated all night long and when the sunlight came, my lover was gone. Socrates Deep in the bowels of Athens, Socrates is having the squirts his body, like the aqueducts, giving way to a long, watery movement hunched head to hands and elbows to knees.
Timmy Timmy took tools and toys and rocks and played all day in the quicksand box. Hanged I hung myself today. Public Speaking The nudist, sweating, with smudged ink filling in the cracks of his palm, approached the microphone, took a deep breath, and imagined the audience clothed. Woman I. I am, quite simply, woman. Deal with it, pigs. Im gonna. Him Ah, there he is. That motherfucker.
What a tool. Rock against rocking.